Five Ways to Be More Authentic At Work

Ever feel like you have to check your personality at the door when you go to work? It seems being "professional" means we cannot have a sense of humor, show emotion, or uniqueness. We just have to be boring. Or do we? 

My personality is not boring. In fact, I struggle so often when writing this blog. I feel like I have to check my "personality" at the virtual door when selecting post topics. When I read over my writing most of the time, I feel like it is boring. Of course I try to offer a unique angle on the subject I choose but that doesn't seem to satisfy the inner me.

Bloggers will tell you that your blog is not about you but about what your audience wants or needs. "Give them something to come back too." So when I write, I ask myself if my readership really wants to hear what I am about to say. Does it have value that will bring you back again.

7 Phrases Leaders Should Say Everyday

Leaders are in charge of setting the tone for their organizations. If you are a leader, or aspire to be one, here are 7 phrases that need to be a part of your daily life and why.

Why not forces you to think beyond the boundaries you have so conveniently placed around. It challenges the status quo. It forces one to think about the possibilities instead of the limitations. It opens up creativity.

Espoused Theory and Theory In Use: A Distinction Every Leader Needs to Know

My husband I met at work. I was interning in the marketing communications department. He was a full time employee in another department. After my summer internship ended, I was offered a fulltime position upon graduating. It was a great starting salary and my supervisor would have been thrilled to have me. But I turn it down. I had no love for that company because the company had no love for its employees. Love is an action that needs to be seen, felt, and defended at work. But how do you do that?

There is a differences between espoused theory and theory in-use and every leader needs to know this difference.

You are too nice! What does that mean?

"You're too nice."

This is a phrase a client has heard over and over during his long career. Everytime he hears it, he scratches his head in confusion. The sentence is flung at him like an accusation. He is by no means a push over. He is a leader who genuinely seeks the opinions of his talent. He operates very efficiently with results. But he isn't a bull in a China shop. If things are delinquent or late, he doesn't get on the phone yelling at screaming every 5 minutes. He doesn't see the point in beating a dead horse just to prove he is in charge. He wondered if being nice is hurting his career or his opportunities for advancement because he isn't perceived as "hungry" or "urgent" or "aggressive".

Have you ever been accused of being too nice? Too happy? Too optimistic? What is does this really mean? What are people trying to say?

Is her niceness a constant reminder that you're not nice and therefore you want her stop? Or is he called too nice when you really mean he is too passive or lacks assertiveness?

Background on the #BraveTalk discussion:

It is a comment challenge where I ask a question, present a point of view, or share an idea and you tell me your thoughts on it. There are no right or wrong answers. I just want to stir up an intellectual conversation with my community. By participating you practice key communication skills like giving feebdback, writing clearly and concisely, paraphrasing what others said, etc. Participate and share.

Now that you know what's in it for you and what responsibility you have, let's get started!

- See more at: http://bravecommunicationllc.blogspot.com/2014/01/should-leaders-strive-to-be-liked.html#sthash.ZANYxFXA.dpuf

Background on the #BraveTalk discussion:

It is a comment challenge where I ask a question, present a point of view, or share an idea and you tell me your thoughts on it. There are no right or wrong answers. I just want to stir up an intellectual conversation with my community. By participating you practice key communication skills like giving feebdback, writing clearly and concisely, paraphrasing what others said, etc. Participate and share.

Now that you know what's in it for you and what responsibility you have, let's get started!

Background on the #BraveTalk discussion:

It is a comment challenge where I ask a question, present a point of view, or share an idea and you tell me your thoughts on it. There are no right or wrong answers. I just want to stir up an intellectual conversation with my community. By participating you practice key communication skills like giving feebdback, writing clearly and concisely, paraphrasing what others said, etc. Participate and share.

Now that you know what's in it for you and what responsibility you have, let's get started!

- See more at: http://bravecommunicationllc.blogspot.com/2014/01/should-leaders-strive-to-be-liked.html#sthash.ZANYxFXA.dpuf

Background on the #BraveTalk discussion:

It is a comment challenge where I ask a question, present a point of view, or share an idea and you tell me your thoughts on it. There are no right or wrong answers. I just want to stir up an intellectual conversation with my community. By participating you practice key communication skills like giving feebdback, writing clearly and concisely, paraphrasing what others said, etc. Participate and share.

Now that you know what's in it for you and what responsibility you have, let's get started!

- See more at: http://bravecommunicationllc.blogspot.com/2014/01/should-leaders-strive-to-be-liked.html#sthash.ZANYxFXA.dpuf

Background on the #BraveTalk discussion:

It is a comment challenge where I ask a question, present a point of view, or share an idea and you tell me your thoughts on it. There are no right or wrong answers. I just want to stir up an intellectual conversation with my community. By participating you practice key communication skills like giving feebdback, writing clearly and concisely, paraphrasing what others said, etc. Participate and share.

Now that you know what's in it for you and what responsibility you have, let's get started!

- See more at: http://bravecommunicationllc.blogspot.com/2014/01/should-leaders-strive-to-be-liked.html#sthash.ZANYxFXA.dpuf

A Funny Story About Body Language...

Body language is one of the only languages that you can't see or hear yourself communicate. The conundrum with body language is that I can clearly see what your body communicates. You can clearly see what my body communicates but we are blind to the messages we give others.

I gave a speech the other day on the weight body language plays in our interactions with others. I told my Toastmaster group I was going to say two statements. For the first statement, I put my hands on my hips, spread my feet hip width apart, tilted my head high and said "I'm shy". They laughed.

For the second statement, I slumped my shoulders, crossed my legs, bowed my head slightly, fidgeted with my fingers and said, "I'm confident!"

Then I asked my audience. Did they believe my message? Everyone shook their heads no. It was very clear that though my mouth said one thing. My body said another.

I further illustrated the point by retelling a true story about a good friend of mine. My friend, Nikki, is a captain in the military. She is typical military through and through. No nonsense, stone faced at times. She and I couldn't be more different. In fact she calls me her "earthy" friend because I like to go barefoot and am an advocate of harmony in relationship.

Early in our relationship, she and I had a fairly deep conversation. The kind of conversation where you share a vulnerable truth in hopes you'll be accepted. We extended trust to each other and both found a safe haven. We passed each others test. I wanted to punctuate this new level in our friendship with a physical gesture.

I asked, "Can I give you a hug?"

Nikki slowly stood up. Stiffened her body like a plank of wood. Closed her eyes. Looked away--then said, "Ok".

It was a comical sight. Her words granted permission but her body did not. While I appreciated that she was willing to let her new "earthy" friend touch her. I didn't. I wanted to show her that I respected her enough to not make her uncomfortable for my sake. When she was ready, she'd initate a hug and I'd be more than willing to receive it. And was exactly what happened.

What you do speaks so loud that I can't not hear what you say.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

So what do you do if the body language is leading you to believe the words aren't the truth? Simple. Just ask for clarification.You don't have to be stuck trying to interpret mixed messages. That causes frustration. Just ask

"You said "X" but your body language doesn't seem to support that. Can you help me understand?"

Do you have a interesting story about body language? Share it with me in the comments.

What Will You Gain, When You Lose?

"What will you gain, when you lose?"

The Special K commercial asked this question at the beginning of the New Year's weight loss resolution season. It is a great question for coaches to ask leaders as well.

Imagine if on your job, you could magically slice away all the things that are keeping you from being 100% happy. What would that feel like? How would your posture change? How would you feel knowing that by losing you actually won? What would you gain?

The answers to these question is a part of the power that coaching brings to people's lives. 

Who knows more about changing people's lives more than the folks at the Biggest Loser. 

I am a huge fan of the Biggest Loser. I love the show because its contestants are always battling more than just the number on the scale. They are battling loneliness, guilt, shame, frustration, fear, hopelessness, inferiority, etc. The contestants choose to cope with all of those emotions with food. 

As a leader, you may not be severely overweight physically, but you are probably emotionally and mentally overweight. 

You have deadlines. You have fires that need to put out. You have people issues that you need to sort through. And oh yeah you want to have a life outside of work. You want to enjoy those things you love to do and be with the people you love.

But just like the show contestants, you are weighed down. You know you need help but you just don't know what to do. 

As a coach, the show's greatest appeal is that it asks the tough questions. Questions that allow people to stop running and face the issues. I have a heart for leaders because they are in a tough spot. Who does the leader go to for help? There is this stigma that as the leader, you have to be strong, right, and productive....all the time! That is exhausting. Who has time for that?

So you pretend that you are fine at work. Like the trainers on the show, I help you get to root of what's really going on. I don't judge or color or sugar coat it. It is what it is. But until you face it, it will never change.

On the show, men and women alike come face to face with their demons and have to make a choice.  Bob, Jillian, and Dolvett are guiding not doing the workouts. The contestants are doing the hard work, not only in the gym, but the mental and emotional work of figuring out why they weigh as much as they do. Those are tough question and you will not like the answer.

A coach is there to help you get from where you are to where you want to be. The coach can't do it for you but can give you powerful tools. 

One of the motivational tools comes in the forms of very powerful questions. Question like:

What will you gain when you lose?

So answer or journal or draw...What will you gain when you lose self doubt and find your confidence at work? What will you gain when you lose a negative attitude and embrace a positive one? What will you gain when you lose the fear?

It is a powerful question and one that I hope you will actually take time to answer. Leave a comment below!

How Twitter Forced Me To Be A Better Communicator

Twitter is like a straight jacket for the verbose and long winded writer. I never thought myself to be such until Twitter came along. You have to fit your entire message in 140 characters. This isn't just a word count limit. No! Those 140 characters include spaces and punctuation. 

When I first joined the Twitter Universe or "Twitterverse" I wanted to compose profound, funny, or deep tweets. I just didn't want to tweet about my breakfast choices. 

I wanted my tweets to get retweeted, favorited, and comments. I sat down to compose my first tweet. What would I say? I had a thought. I began typing. I felt the inspiration flowing through my finger tips.

Oh this is going to be good, I thought. After I was finished, I looked at my message.

This is brilliant!

This is profound!

This is....31 characters over the tweet limit?!?!

I was upset. How dare Twitter force me to dilute my genius to only 140 characters? I was upset and gave up on Twitter. 

It wasn't until I was coaching one of my clients that the lesson of Twitter became painfully clear.

I was working with a leader who was frustrated. Her employee was habitually late and after multiple conversations she didn't think her message was getting across. In our session, I asked her to tell me verbatim what she said to him when she mentioned his tardiness. She said, 

"Hey Frank, I wanted to talk to you about something. But don't think you are in trouble or anything. I mean I don't want to harp on you about this because it isn't really that big of a deal. I am not sure what has been going on with you lately. But you've been coming in a little late and I know your girls have been sick but it would really kind of be helpful if you could try to maybe get here on time. Like I said I don't want to come across nagging or anything and it really isn't a big deal but I just had to bring it up. Okay?"

No wonder her message wasn't getting across. It got lost in the sheer number of words. Her statement was about 390 twitter characters and 113 words. She and worked to together to streamline her message.

My job as coach is to ask questions that point out hindrances to communication effectiveness. I told her she had to do three things:

1. Figure out the message she wanted to convey,

What was she wanting to say? Did she want to tell Frank to stop coming in late? Did she want to tell Frank that the occasional lateness is fine? Did she want to tell Frank she hope his daughters get better? She wasn't sure of her message either. It turns out she wanted to tell Frank to stop coming in late because his tardiness prevented the previous shift from leaving on time.

2. Only choose the words that best convey that message.

We then stream lined her message. Because she knew Frank and his family, she wanted to show him that she was an understanding supervisor. She doesn't want to be a leader who is anti-family. So all those desires mixed into the conversation about lateness and made her message complicated. We stripped away anything that did not have to do with the message she wanted to hear.

3. Then stop talking. 

This was the hardest step. After crafting her concise message, her next obstacle was to stop talking. She realized she had been filling her discomfort with words.  She was nervous, so she spoke more. She was anxious, so she spoke more. She was worried how Frank would react, so she spoke more. We got her to a place of handling her anxiety without diluting her message.

After our coaching session that day, I realized my Twitter experience was a similar learning opportunity. Twitter was forcing me to become a clear concise communicator and I didn't like it!

I had to get very clear about what I wanted my message to be. Then use only the shortest, simplest words to convey my message. And finally, resist the urge to fill the "space" with more rambling.

I went back to my profound, deep, 171 character tweet and started working on it. Stripping it down until the message was clear to me and to my audience. The result was a 31 character tweet. 

Though that tweet never did get the re-tweet, favorite, or comments I had hoped, it taught something much more lasting. The greatest communication is clear and simple.

Do you tend to use more words than necessary? Why?

Follow me on Twitter @BraveCommLLC