What A Conversation About My Butt Taught Me About Communicating With Family

I blog a lot about the ways we can improve our communication at work, because frankly, most of my clients come to me for work related issues. But I am just as effective in family and friend related issue too. 

As we are spend more time with our family and friends this time of the year, I wanted to give you a little #holidayhelp on communicating with close family and friends. 

I learned a very important lesson through a conversation about my butt. Don't worry this post is G rated. 

I have gained a few pounds over the last 8 months. I was complaining to my husband about my new body when his countenance fell as he washed the dishes. 

When asked what was the problem, he faced me, took a  deep breath, gently grabbed my hands, and said, "It really hurts me to hear you talk about yourself like that. I know you don't like that you've gained weight. But I think you look great." He went on to say some more stuff but I was utterly captivated.

He highlighted a really important lesson we can all remember when dealing with people who are family or as close to us as family.

The lesson I learned from a conversation about my butt?

In personal relationships, sometimes you have to change the way you usually communicate so the importance of your message is received.

  

I was stopped right in my tracks by my husbands comment. Trust me this wasn't the first time we've (more like I've) talked about how upset I am about gaining weight. But this conversation was different for four reasons. 

Reposition yourself to be heard

I was complaining about how much jeans didn't fit. Normally my husband would compliment me after that. I would just brush it off. This time he repositioned himself so that I could really hear him. He didn't toss me a "you look great, babe" over his shoulder as he washed the dishes. He stopped what he was doing. Turned and looked at me. Gently grabbed my hands. Took a deep breath. His body language said "I have something important to day." 

How often do we have something important to say but haphazardly present so its importance gets lost? 

Verbally acknowledge the struggle

During the course of our conversation, he verbally acknowledged the struggle I was having that caused me to speak so negatively about myself. What do I mean by verbally recognize?
Most people will internalize what a person says but never verbally confirm or acknowledge it. Your internal understanding is worthless to the speaker unless you can prove it with your words.

The main issue was the shame I felt. I am a part time fitness instructor. I am licensed and certified to teach a few different formats of group exercise classes. I also used to work for a major weight loss program helping people lose weight. What would my former class or former members say if they found out I gained weight? I was embarrassed that I know exactly what to do to get out of my situation but just wasn't doing it. He verbally acknowledged my shame and embarrassment. He didn't condemn it. He didn't down play it. He didn't hype it. He didn't try to talk me out of my feelings. He just proved, with his words, that he understood.

Speak sincerely

His tone of voice was almost pleading. You gotta understand, my husband is an engineer by degree. Analysis and structure are his bedrock. He speaks matter of factly. For his voice to be be suddenly drenched with emotion was a big deal. He wanted to make a point and he was using his communication tools to do it.

Offer An Alternative Perspective

My husband told me that my negative self talk was hurting him. I never imagined this. It reminded me of the scripture in Ephesians 5: 28 In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies." In essence, he was saying my negative words about myself actually caused him physical pain.

That got my attention! 

I know I shouldn't speak negatively about myself, but my husband's response too it gave me the motivation i needed to really see and thus change my behavior.

When communicating with an intimate relationship, changing your usual method can have a profound impact on your loved one. A emotionless partner might have to show emotion. An emotional partner might have to show calm. A loud partner might have to show quiet. A quiet partner might have to get loud.

A change in your communication habit says "what I am saying is important." and that always gets our attention.

What ways do you have to change your communication style when dealing with family?