Rarely does intense interpersonal conflict rise from a singular event. Most often it comes from a series of events that have been compounded.
When you yelled at your husband because he left his socks left on the floor, I bet it wasn't the first time. I will also bet that the misplacement of those garments is not really the issue. Most likely you are feeling unappreciated, tired, unheard, threatened or some related sentiment.
People ask me all the time why I deal in the "touchy feel-ly" or "soft" skills. Someone once described soft skills as a set of personal qualities habits, attitudes, and social graces that make someone compatible to work with.
I like this definition because it refers to these skills as habits, attitudes, and social graces. All of which are "touched" and "felt" by us all everyday we are not living in isolation.
Often we deal with how to handle what to do AFTER someone blows up, and that is important, but we need to attack this at the front end as well. That is why I focus on interpersonal skills.
The good news is that these sets of qualities, habits, and attitudes can be tweaked and changed with knowledge, skill, application, and coaching.
Going back to our example, I cautiously say perhaps the problem with your husband leaving his socks on the floor may not be your husband. Consider for a moment if the issue is with your attitudes, beliefs, or habits (ducks as you swing at me).
Your attitude, beliefs, and habits surrounding the issue could be causing compounded grief, frustration, and anger. I am not saying he is off the hook. What I am saying is that you can do something to keep small stuff small and deal with the REAL issue at hand.
1. Identify the real issue.
2. Come up with a plan to control your triggers going forward.
3. Prepare and then speak with the offending party. NEVER confront without a plan.
These steps are useful when faced with annoying habits by not only your spouse, but also your co-worker, boss, or teenager. You might need some help identifying the REAL issues, your triggers, and putting together a plan.
Though simple, these steps can take on greater complexity as you try to implement them into your unique situation. BRAVE is here to coach you through.Contact me today!