Stop Fighting For Your Limits

I never particularly liked Owen Wilson or Vince Vaughn until they made the movie The Internship in 2013. When the movie came out on video, I bought it. 

I love the movie, not so much for the actors, but because of the message. It places the emphasis on PEOPLE in a technology reliant world. 

My favorite line from the movie was delivered by Vince Vaughn. He was trying to convince a small shop owner to expand his business by using technology. The owner was hesitant and then Vince's character said it:

"If you fight for your limitations, you get to keep them"

How Twitter Forced Me To Be A Better Communicator

Twitter is like a straight jacket for the verbose and long winded writer. I never thought myself to be such until Twitter came along. You have to fit your entire message in 140 characters. This isn't just a word count limit. No! Those 140 characters include spaces and punctuation. 

When I first joined the Twitter Universe or "Twitterverse" I wanted to compose profound, funny, or deep tweets. I just didn't want to tweet about my breakfast choices. 

I wanted my tweets to get retweeted, favorited, and comments. I sat down to compose my first tweet. What would I say? I had a thought. I began typing. I felt the inspiration flowing through my finger tips.

Oh this is going to be good, I thought. After I was finished, I looked at my message.

This is brilliant!

This is profound!

This is....31 characters over the tweet limit?!?!

I was upset. How dare Twitter force me to dilute my genius to only 140 characters? I was upset and gave up on Twitter. 

It wasn't until I was coaching one of my clients that the lesson of Twitter became painfully clear.

I was working with a leader who was frustrated. Her employee was habitually late and after multiple conversations she didn't think her message was getting across. In our session, I asked her to tell me verbatim what she said to him when she mentioned his tardiness. She said, 

"Hey Frank, I wanted to talk to you about something. But don't think you are in trouble or anything. I mean I don't want to harp on you about this because it isn't really that big of a deal. I am not sure what has been going on with you lately. But you've been coming in a little late and I know your girls have been sick but it would really kind of be helpful if you could try to maybe get here on time. Like I said I don't want to come across nagging or anything and it really isn't a big deal but I just had to bring it up. Okay?"

No wonder her message wasn't getting across. It got lost in the sheer number of words. Her statement was about 390 twitter characters and 113 words. She and worked to together to streamline her message.

My job as coach is to ask questions that point out hindrances to communication effectiveness. I told her she had to do three things:

1. Figure out the message she wanted to convey,

What was she wanting to say? Did she want to tell Frank to stop coming in late? Did she want to tell Frank that the occasional lateness is fine? Did she want to tell Frank she hope his daughters get better? She wasn't sure of her message either. It turns out she wanted to tell Frank to stop coming in late because his tardiness prevented the previous shift from leaving on time.

2. Only choose the words that best convey that message.

We then stream lined her message. Because she knew Frank and his family, she wanted to show him that she was an understanding supervisor. She doesn't want to be a leader who is anti-family. So all those desires mixed into the conversation about lateness and made her message complicated. We stripped away anything that did not have to do with the message she wanted to hear.

3. Then stop talking. 

This was the hardest step. After crafting her concise message, her next obstacle was to stop talking. She realized she had been filling her discomfort with words.  She was nervous, so she spoke more. She was anxious, so she spoke more. She was worried how Frank would react, so she spoke more. We got her to a place of handling her anxiety without diluting her message.

After our coaching session that day, I realized my Twitter experience was a similar learning opportunity. Twitter was forcing me to become a clear concise communicator and I didn't like it!

I had to get very clear about what I wanted my message to be. Then use only the shortest, simplest words to convey my message. And finally, resist the urge to fill the "space" with more rambling.

I went back to my profound, deep, 171 character tweet and started working on it. Stripping it down until the message was clear to me and to my audience. The result was a 31 character tweet. 

Though that tweet never did get the re-tweet, favorite, or comments I had hoped, it taught something much more lasting. The greatest communication is clear and simple.

Do you tend to use more words than necessary? Why?

Follow me on Twitter @BraveCommLLC

Why You Should Leave A Comment

 photo credit: Ѕolo via photopin cc

Leaving comments on blogs, articles, and other posts helps improve your communication skills! Didn't know that did you?

I recently came across a statistic about online engagement from the Neilson Norman Group study.

It said:

90% never contribute
9% contribute every now and then
1% contribute regularly.

These numbers are applied to blogging and comments too. I was shocked that 90% of blog readers are missing out on a chance to improve their communication skills.

Is Technology Killing Interpersonal Communication Skill?

I started reading Technopoly: The Surrender of Culture to Technology by Neil Postman, a professor and communication expert on identifying how technology changes how we communicate. Postman wrote most of his works in the late 80s and early 90s however as I am reading his views now, it as if he wrote the book yesterday.


Though Postman is accused of being a technophobe, one who fears technology, he really isn’t. He is the other voice to the technology enthusiasts. He points out one problem with technology is that while we herald it for the ways it will make our lives “better” we never stop to consider what problems it might cause. 

How To Respond To: Unwanted Friend Requests?

Courtesy of Microsoft Clip Art

With the birth of new media, comes the excitement of discovering how we can use it to benefit our lives. It also births a new set of communication challenges. How do we respond, interact and connect in healthy ways on social media?

Today, let's look at how to respond to unwanted friend requests on Facebook.

If someone sends you a Facebook friend request, you have two choices:  Confirm or not now.

You would think it would be simple enough to pick a button and keep it moving. But it can be a real headache depending on the way you use Facebook, your knowledge of how Facebook works, and let's be honest...your feelings towards that person.

You Can Listen Over Email: Here's How!

Courtesy of Clip Art

I focus a lot on face to face interactions but today is about electronic communication. Did you know you can actually "listen" over email?

I was feeling particularly down one night as I realized my "fat" clothes were getting too tight. I was emailing a friend who has a personal styling business. I was trying to get help on figuring out a new look.  After a long rant on how I didn't know where to begin with my new style, I concluded with this statement:


Me: I am winging it and my wings are falling off.

Alexis replied:

I totally understand! Recharging your style when we are not inspired by what's in our closets can be frustrating and no fun.... Having a signature style doesn't have to be a complete head to toe ideal look.

To get started, I'd like to propose an assignment for you. Create 2 pinterest boards based on 2 things: Looks you love and are inspired by and colors you love.....*picks up fallen wings and hands them back to you*...We will work together to make sure you don't have to worry about your wings falling off! :)

My heart melted when I read her response. Here is what she got right and what you can learn from our interaction.

How To Engage Your Blog Readers: #Blog4Biz Day 30:

This is the penultimate post in the #blog4biz challenge. Tomorrow's post will wrap up this great learning experience. But it isn't over until the end. So that means I have to write today's challenge.

Image Courtesy of Microsoft Clip Art

Today's challenge is about reader engagement. I need to come up with 5 ways to engage and involve you my readers. To answer this post and meet the 975 word count minimum, I'll tell you about my blogging experience.

1. Write honest content

I will be the first to admit I am new to real blogging. The whole reason I am relaunching the Living BRAVE Blog is because when I first started it over a year ago, I had no clue what I was doing. I muddled through for a while and life circumstances led me to eventually just leave it alone. I had maybe 3 people who regularly engaged with me on my blog back then. I emailed them all thanking for their support and let them know what was happening.

Oops! How I Hurt My Mom's Feeling!

In today's #Blog4Biz challenge I am supposed to tell you about one mistake I wish I could undo. After thinking about all day. I finally came up with something. 

In order for you, dear reader, to grasp the full weight of the story I am about to tell. I have to introduce you to someone first. Blogesphere, I'd like for you to meet...wait for it....my mother! (I would have loved to insert a picture here but she would kill me...literally)

I have to give you some background about the type of person she is. She is loud and spontaneous. She is funny and caring. She is generous to a fault! She will give you the clothes off her back. She is the life any party. She is persistent and stubborn and she is wise and extremely resourceful. 

Three points about my mom to frame my story:

1. She can not stand unruly, disrespectful children. A child who disrespects an adult sends her over the edge. So much so that if we were in the mall and she saw an unruly disrespectful child, she would go over and verbal chastise the child...in front of the parent or guardian. 

You would think a parent might get angry about this, right? I mean who is this woman coming over uninvited. NOPE! My mom always did it a way that made the parent/guardian feel empowered and made the child examine his or her behavior. I never knew what she said because I was too embarrassed to follow her in her righteous indignation. I hid in the bushes or sat far off on a bench until she was done.

Even to this day, she will still put me in a headlock when she thinks I have gotten a little "too big for my britches". 

2. She is very quick to ask for help. I get that from her. She taught me asking for help was never something to be ashamed of because it the only way you grow. 

3. She is hot tempered. In her defense, thanks to a little bit of age and whole lot of Jesus, she has learned to better control her temper. Even still, when she gets mad, she'll let you know.

Ok...now that you have met my mother and learned a few interesting facts about her, let me answer the challenge.

One day about 6 years ago, my mom sent me a text asking for help on a computer issue. I am not a tech person but she sent a string of texts asking about something. I was in a bad mood that day. I saw the first text, then the four immediately following it and rolled my eyes. She is was bugging me. I was irritated. Why does she always assume I know stuff? I fired off my response. 

"Why do you always ask me this stuff? I don't know!"

I knew I shouldn't have sent it. I knew she would get mad. But I sent it anyway. I waited for the phone to ring and was ready to take an earful about being disrespectful. The phone never rang. No text ever came.

Hmm. That is weird. My mom doesn't miss a chance to put me in check. Then it hit me.

I hurt my mother with my words. 

If she didn't respond, she wasn't angry. She was hurt. I didn't know how much until much later.

You may be thinking "what was so hurtful about that text?"
The problem wasn't just in the words of the text, it was in the tone of voice! 
With computer mediate communication you can't hear the tone of voice and you can't see the body language. But this doesn't stop the other person from applying your tone of voice as they read and interpret your message.

This is what my mom did. In her head, she "heard" me snidely saying that text and she "saw" me "suck my teeth" and "roll my eyes" as I said it. That is what what hurt her.

Because she is my mother and knows all the nuances of my gestures and vocal intonations,  she applied what she knew to what I said. So to her, it was as if I had said that to her face. Given what I told you about my mom's feeling about disrespectful children, she was hurt that her own daughter would treat her in such a way.

For months she never addressed this exchange. One day she informs me that she has signed up for basic computing classes at the local career center. When I asked why she suddenly decided to do that. She said, "So I don't ever have to bug my child again." Ouch!

One mistake I made that I wish I could take back was hurting my mother with a thoughtless text message. I apologized of course. And even though we have long ago made up and have moved past it, the thought of how I hurt my mom with poor communication and careless words still stings.

You never know how people filter your messages. As human beings, we naturally fill in communication gaps. And when we do, it is not to the benefit of the others.

While we can't take responsibility for how others receive a message, we can and should take as much care as possible on how, when, where, and why we send a message. 

Have you ever used technology to send a message that intentionally or unintentionally hurt someone? What happened?


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