"You Don't Belong Here"

I attended the Integrating Woman Leaders (IWL) Women's leadership conference a few weeks ago. This was the first time I was representing my company, my brand, and myself. In times past, I was either representing my job or I was attending as a proverbial fly on the wall.

I chose this conference because I had an agenda and purpose. I wanted to be surrounded by like minded women who were unashamedly taking action to advance themselves or their organization. I wanted to set the precedent of investing in my personal develop. And I also wanted to understand the issues facing my target market. 

During the morning inspiration and call to action, I was very excited. Then something strange happened. As I was listening to the wonderful speech about taking risks in the game of life by Jennifer Wolfgram, VP of Commercial education at Roche Diagnostics, all of a sudden my shoulders began to droop. I took my eyes off of the speaker and began looking around at the 500 plus attendees and they I heard this...

"What are YOU do here? You don't belong here. You're just a little company and these women are in BIG business and are serious."

I will admit I entertained that thought longer than I should have. I looked around at the women on stage and in the seats next to me. They all looked so sure of themselves and confident. I started to go down the path of self loathing but then I stopped. You see I've been down that road before so I knew exactly where it would lead me. I would spend the rest of the conference feeling like I didn't fit in, that I was a fraud, and secretly kicking myself for investing in a waste of time. Well I didn't want that. I wanted a different kind of day. So I decided to own my leadership and address the question.

The speaker, Jennifer Wolfgram, was just saying that on the road of life you will be tested. This was my test and I recognized it. I told that devil (you call it whatever you like) that I was not going to fall that trick. I squared my shoulders, lifted my head, and won that battle with the internal declaration "I am here because this is where I belong."

The theme for the conference was "Purpose, Passion, and The Will To Lead". In that moment of temptation, I had to make a choice. Will I surrender my purpose and passion to uncertainty and intimidation or will I take the lead? I took the lead. After all the money I spent on hotel, travel, and a new outfit, I was not going to let anything stop me from being open to the wonderful things awaiting me that day.

There were so many wonderful things awaiting me that day including: 

• a fun keynote by Karen Hough, author of Be The Best Bad Presenter, on how to use improvisation to open yourself up to possibilities and negotiations.
• a phenomenal breakout session about how women can develop their strategic thinking skills by Jennifer Zinn. This was by far my favorite session.
• A signed copy of No Excuses: 9 Ways Woman Can Change How We Think About Power by Gloria Feldt.
• a great networking lunch where I met several connections.
• meeting some awesome women
• a big boost in my confidence

As women, we think that if we have a thought then we are the originators of that thought. That is not true. Things are suggested to us all the time. We've all experienced it. We're on a diet and we see the ad for the brand new meal at our favorite restaurant . We then think "I want that". And the cycle or self loathing begins and we beat ourselves up for having the thought. But the truth is, your thought was a suggestion originated by the advertisers of that restaurant. 

Let me put it another away. You've just been promoted. You're excited to lead your team but then you hear this thought :

"What makes you think you can run this group better than the last guy? Who do you think you are? You're the only woman. You don't belong here."

Before you agree with these thoughts, take a minute to examine the result of accepting them. What benefit will it produce? Will it give you the energy and confidence to move forward? Will it open up your creativity so ideas can flow freely? 

If the answer is no, then veto that thought. 

Of all the wonder that I experienced at the conference, it was during the days following the conference that I realized why I was trying to be distracted at the beginning.

In the airport the day after the conference I initiated a conversation with one of the panelists from the "Mentoring Women, Achieving Results" session. She and I talked for almost an hour and found ourselves reveling in the camaraderie. Once I got home, I followed up with EVERY person I met. One particular woman and I had such a good time validating each other, encouraging each other, and talking business that we literally had to make ourselves get off the phone so we could get back to work. We decided to speak monthly just to keep each other accountable and moving forward. I also was able to connect a job seeker with a potential lead.

None of that would have been possible had I surrendered to the intimidation and fear. 

At the moment you're tempted, you don't know what lies down the road. All you have is the present information. I implore you my dear love to face your doubt head on. Be brave enough to face it with the knowledge that something amazing must be about to happen since the opposition is forming so early.

This blog is about inspiring you live BRAVELY and giving you practical ways to do that. So here are some practical takeaways from my conference experience with doubt.

How to answer when someone (even yourself) suggests you don't belong

• Remember your purpose and your big "why". Why are you there? Doing what you do? What is the reason or purpose driving you?
• Invoke your veto power. You do not have to accept every suggestion that comes your way. Kick it out by creating an empowering thought. 
• Fuel your new empowering thought by remembering all the evidence of your past success.

What are some ways you've overcome self doubt?

The 8 Leadership Lessons My Sons Taught Me At Dinner Last Night

My sons taught me 8 valuable lessons about striving for your goals at the dinner table last night. These sages are 6 and 4 years old and their lessons were highlighted in their actions not their words. The bottom line: Your choice determines if you reach your goals or not.

photo credit: Anushruti RK via photopin cc

Let me set the scene. It was dinner time. Our kids had salad on their plates they were reluctant to eat. The deal was simple. If you eat your salad, you can have one cupcake.

I don't call this a bribe, I call it an incentive. If they don't want to eat the salad, they don't have to. We don't yell or scold or anything. They choose to eat what they are served or not however they don't get treats or another food option if they choose not to eat what's on their plates.

Son #1 slowly but surely ate the salad. Though he stopped, he keep going after being reminded of the incentive. He finished his salad and received his cupcake.

Son #2 started to eat the salad. Slowly but surely he stopped. He too was reminded of the incentive but he decided he was finished. He did not receive his cupcake.

Let's examine the lessons my sons can teach leaders when it comes to goals.

4 Lessons from Son #1

Son #1 didn't like that the goal was so far away. He had to sludge through the equivalent of a 1/2 cup of salad but he kept his eye on the proverbial prize. He was distracted and at one point gave up until he decided to come back and finish up. It took him 30 minutes to eat his salad but he did.

1. Reaching for your goals will always take you out of your comfort zone.

You can't stay safe and achieve great things. If it were possible, everyone would achieve greatness. Let me be clear, you determine what is great for you. For my kids, "great things" equaled a cupcake. Your "great thing" maybe different from someone else's "great thing" and that's fine. Resist comparing yourself to others. Great things always requires stretching. 

2. You may not like the taste of what you have to ingest to reach your goals.

I see this with my clients all the time. They want the goal but once we start diving into who you have to become or what you have to do in order to get it, they begin to back peddle. Since we know reaching for your goals requires stretching, it will mean you will be uncomfortable. The good news is that's normal. You have to get used to greatness. It has to grow on you and it may not taste good at first.

3. Time is up to you.

I was reading the biblical story about the children of Israel's entrance into the promised land. Did you know it was an 11 day journey from enslavement in Egypt to the promised land? Yet it took them 40 years to get there. Most people scoff the Israelites because it took them so long but how many of us are going around the same mountain? The time it takes to accomplish your goals is up to you doing the necessary work. It took son #1 30 minutes but he got there. It takes as long as it takes. Being first is not always the point.

4. Attitude elongates or hastens the perception of time.

Both of my sons had a bad attitude about eating veggies. This attitude made dinner drag on forever. In truth, not much time had passed but it felt like much longer to all of us. Once son#1 decided to make eating his veggies a game, he was done before he knew it. The lesson here is that you perception becomes your reality. You can find ways to make mundane yucky things palpable. To illustrate this point, Marshall Goldsmith, executive coach to Fortune 500 CEOs, often describes two flight attendants. Both are on the same flight, wear the same uniform, and use the equipment. The difference between a flight that lasts forever and one that was great is the attitude of the attendants. 

4 Lessons from Son #2

Son#2 didn't like that the goal was so far away either. He came very close to finishing but decided not finish. He was distracted by other things and decided it was a better use of this his time to be excused and go play.

1. Go as far as you can.

When you go as far as you can, you've already gone farther than you ever have. Eating a little bit of veggies is better than eating none. Often we are so obsessed with achieving the goal that we forget to see the successes along the way. Many of my clients are recovering perfectionists. I am too. Their perfectionism has robbed them of a lifetime of accomplishments. They don't recognize, much less celebrate, their progress. Go as far as you can and you when you do you will find something to celebrate along the way.

2. Choose your goal carefully.

Did you pick your goal or did someone pick it for you? So many of the women I work with feel like they are living a life chosen for them. If you carefully select your own goal, you are far more likely to keep going when the going gets tough. I chose the incentive for son#2, had I given the choice to choose, perhaps he would have done what was required. You are in control of your choices so choose carefully.

3. Choose where you spend your time.

Son#2 decided to spend the little time he had after dinner playing with the car he got for his birthday. He didn't want to stay at the table drudging through lettuce, carrots, and red cabbage. When we are pursuing a goal we have to make choices about where to spend our time and energy. 

4. Pivoting is not the same as giving up.

When you stop doing something to do something that is better for you, that is not giving up, it's pivoting. I'll admit at first I was disappointed my son didn't finish his salad. But when I looked at his plate and saw he ate 99% of it, it was clear he didn't give up. He just made a different choice. In her book Pivot Points, leadership consultant Julia Tang Peters describes the five pivotal decision points that define a leader. One of those decisions is the turning point decision. The turning point is a decision that alters your course. My son pivoted from the course that would land him a cupcake and onto the course that would allow him the freedom to pick what he wanted. He didn't give up in a defeatist attitude. He pivoted. It takes far more courage to pivot than to give up. Don't beat yourself up for not finishing what you started. Be BRAVE and pivot. 

There you have it folks! The 8 lessons my sons taught us about leadership. 

Which lesson spoke to you the most?

A Free Copy of My New eBook is Waiting for You!

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What will you learn in this eBook:

• a paradigm shift in how you need to view your mistakes so they don't defeat you but empower you.

• 7 mistakes that hinder women in their leadership effectiveness.

• the way each of these mistakes is hurting you and the people who work for or with you.

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This eBook is not for everyone. This eBook is for you if you're a woman:

• in leadership in the workplace.

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I tell it to you straight and with love. There are things you are doing that are making it harder for you to advance and been seen as the confident leader you know you can be. There are things that are keeping you from seeing the results in your team and initiatives. You can easily stop them and start seeing the progress you want.

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5 Ways to STOP Overthinking!

Leaders must make decision but often too many overthink those decisions. Overthinking is a condition where people think too long and too hard about a decision that needs to be made. Are you guilty of doing that? If you are, here are 5 tips to help you to get your mind under control and move into action.

Photo Credit

Before I share those tips, allow me to share with you my most recent excursion in overthinking. I spent the last few months working on a new marketing plan for my business. I have been doing a lot of things behind the scenes to grow my business. Growth requires decisions.

It also means that I have spent many days and nights overthinking certain decisions. For example, I spent a full 30 days, yes, a full month trying to decide if I should narrow my niche. The type of clients I usually attract are women in leadership who are faith and family focused.  No matter the industry, I attract women who know it is there call to be in leadership in their for profit or non-profit work place. They seek to answer their call without sacrificing their faith or their family (fur babies included).

It seemed very evident that by targeting that type of client, I could better serve her. I could better tailor my message to reach her. And I would get the most enjoyment out of helping her.

But it seemed simple enough but it wasn't. My overthinking mind began to spiral out of control.

...if I focus on women in leadership will people think I am a femi-nazi?

...if I focus on women of faith will I alienate those who don't profess a faith?

...if I focus on building my coaching business will I miss opportunities to sell my training programs?

Have you ever gone through a similar process of questioning and re-questioning yourself until your head hurts, your heart is heavy, and you just want to crawl under the covers and not come out?

The problem with overthinking is that we can't recognize its debilitating effects on us. One University of Michigan psychology professor found that overthinking in women leads to depression, the inability to move forward, and poor emotional health.

We erroneously think that we are doing our "due diligence" by thinking a thing to death. But we aren't. 

Overthinking magnifies a problem so much that the solution is nearly impossible to see. TWEET

I was stuck for a month on this decision. Then I implemented these 5 steps to get out of my rut.

5 Ways to STOP over-thinking

Distract yourself

If you tend to overthink, once you get in the habit it is hard to get out. Distractions are a great way to change your perspective. We tend to think that we have to trudge through the muck and mire of mental clutter until we come out on the other side. That's not true. The longer we walk in the mental clutter, the longer we stay, and the deeper we sink.

Distract yourself. Change locations. Go for a walk with someone and don't talk about your decision. I find being in nature helps me simply.

Think about what could go well

Overthinking is a form of worry. Do you usually worry about what can go well?No! We worry about the bad stuff. The unknown, the fearful, the frightening things. Force yourself to think about what could go well. 

What life changing, God-honoring, destiny-fulfilling change could happen as a result of this decision? What benefit will it bring to you? Your work? Your family? Your calling? The answers to those questions will lift your spirits 

Act quickly

The result of overthinking is inaction. I read somewhere (wish I could find it to give him or her proper credit) that overthinking is a habit that is probably formed as a defense mechanism to the possibility of failing. In other words, it is a delay tactic.

Making decisions quickly is a skill set that every leader needs to be comfortable executing. If your like me, there are some decision you have no problem making quickly. Then there are others that challenge you. So in order to avoid the supposed negative consequence, you delay.

Acting immediately will put an end to the overthinking downward spiral. Make a decision based on the best information you have, based on your core values, and your organizations mission. Then let it go. Determine to learn from whatever happens next. 

 

Talk Back

Don't be a victim of your thoughts. Just because you thought it, doesn't mean you have to own it. One scripture says that we have the ability to take thoughts captive and make them obedient. Image a negative thought comes in, you put that thought in a "holding cell". You examine it to see if it should be allowed into your precious thought space. If found wanting, you turn it away. If found favorable, you let it in.

You can talk back to the thoughts you have to remind yourself that they aren't automatically accepting them. 

Get help

You've heard the term "Can't see the forest for the trees". It means you are so consumed by the details that you can not see the bigger picture. This is a sure sign that you are overthinking. When that happens, it is best to get help. 

Seek out a person, like a coach, to help you find your way back. Notice I didn't say seek out a friend. A friend is more apt to tell you what you should do. They'll see you in "pain" and want to help alleviate it as quickly as possible. While it might be tempting to take the proffered advice, it will only increase your anxiety...because you'll overthink whether you should have taken said advice.

A good coach is skilled at helping you find your own way and giving the tolls so that if you go there again, you can find your way out. 

Let yourself off the hook. Overthinking is a habit and it can be changed. It takes effort but it can be done. I did every single one of these steps to help me. Some of the steps I had to do repeatedly. But now I have a process I can use to help me overcome ovethinking. 

What do you do to stop yourself from overthinking?

Need help finding a way to stop overthinking? Click here for a FREE 20 minute consultation. 

Five Signs You Are Not Trusted

"We're selling trust. We're selling transparency. And, and, and to think that trust is actually a differentiator in a service business, it's kind of a crazy thought, right?" 

Brad Katsuyama said this last night on 60 Minutes. He actually said it in a way that indicated he could hardly believe it himself. He could hardly believe that he is having such success because he proved himself trustworthy.

No Brad...it doesn't sound crazy to me! It sounds like you have discovered that trust is a highly undervalued competitive advantage.

In a 60 Minutes piece called Is the Stock Market Rigged?, Steve Kroft highlights a problem in the American Stock Market computerized trading system...namely it wasn't fair. Brad Katsuyama was one of the people who discovered the problem, found a solution, and then started marketing his solution to others in the industry.

In essence, Katsuyama started his own stock exchange. Talk about being a little fish in a big pond. But he is excelling so far. Why? Trust!

How is this virtual unknown able to get well-known players in the financial markets to join his start up stock exchange? Trust!

When Brad found a solution to an unfair, but legal practice, he began showing other companies how to even the playing field. 

In his book Flash Boys: A Wall Street Revolt, Micheal Lewis chronicles the complex and highly technical story of how Katsuyama and company discovered how the stock market was rigged and what they did about it. 

"Why is this kid, why is he able to all of a sudden sit at the center of the American Stock Market? And the answer is, when someone walks in the door who is actually trustworthy, he has enormous power. And this is the story, the story of trying to restore trust to the financial markets." Lewis said

I really enjoyed the piece on 60 Minutes because it showed that trust IS a competitive advantage. It is not a "nice to have"; it is a vital part of branding. 

Trust is also a vital part of leadership.

As a coach, I meet a lot of leaders who believe--either consciously or unconsciously--that their title or position in an organization automatically makes them trustworthy. If anything, your title might give you the benefit of the doubt for a short time...I mean a very short time. But your character and your actions will prove whether or not you are really trust worthy.

5 ways to tell if you are not trusted:

1. If you are avoided...

They avoid partnering with you on projects or if they have to partner with you, they find a way to get what they need from someone other than you

2. If others frequently fact check you...

You tell person A something. Person A goes to person Person C to see if what you said was true

3. If others frequently ask for a second opinion...

You've stated your point. They actively search for another opinion. This point alone doesn't mean you aren't trustworthy, but coupled with any of the other points, it indicates you are not trusted.

4. If you aren't kept in the communication loop...

Knowledge is power and whoever has the knowledge has the power. If knowledge is purposefully being withheld from you, that is a sign you aren't trusted with it

5. Your responsibilities are shrinking...

If your responsibilities are growing smaller or have stagnated over time, that is a sign trust has been lost.

Trust is a competitive advantage.

Here are a few books on trust you might want to check out:

The Speed Of Trust by Stephen Covey

The Truth About Trust In Business by Vanessa Hall

What are other signs you would add to this list?

Ladies! Stop Apologizing So Much...It's Hurting You!

Do you apologize for things that aren't you fault?

Is "I'm sorry" a regular part of your conversation with others?

If someone bumps into you, do you say "I'm sorry"?

If the waiter brought you an incorrect food order, do you apologize for sending it back?

If you answers yes to these questions I want to help you. You're excessive apology is hurting you and your advancement.

7 Phrases Leaders Should Say Everyday

Leaders are in charge of setting the tone for their organizations. If you are a leader, or aspire to be one, here are 7 phrases that need to be a part of your daily life and why.

Why not forces you to think beyond the boundaries you have so conveniently placed around. It challenges the status quo. It forces one to think about the possibilities instead of the limitations. It opens up creativity.

Espoused Theory and Theory In Use: A Distinction Every Leader Needs to Know

My husband I met at work. I was interning in the marketing communications department. He was a full time employee in another department. After my summer internship ended, I was offered a fulltime position upon graduating. It was a great starting salary and my supervisor would have been thrilled to have me. But I turn it down. I had no love for that company because the company had no love for its employees. Love is an action that needs to be seen, felt, and defended at work. But how do you do that?

There is a differences between espoused theory and theory in-use and every leader needs to know this difference.

Introverts: 4 Things You Need To Know About Them

I write weekly for the Asmithblog.com. Here is a post I hope you will find helpful.

I didn't know I was married to an introvert. How do you communicate with an introvert if you are not one? It is simple. It starts with respect.

DISCLAIMER: This is not meant to be an exhaustive look at the communication practices of introverts.They are studies about that. Rather, this is designed to give you practical knowledge into how to connect with the introverts in your life.

Before we dive into the meat and potatoes, let's whet our appetite with some definitions and clarity.

Introversion is a psychological term used to classify personality.  Attributed to Carl Jung, introversion's technical definition, as made famous by the Myers-Brigg personality assessment, simply means one focuses on the inner world stimulation versus the outer world.

"People who are introverted tend to be inward turning, or focused more on internal thoughts, feelings and moods rather than seeking out external stimulation." Introverts get their energy and are recharged from spending time with their thoughts." (1)

In the early years of my marriage I didn't know my husband was introverted. The signs were there; I just didn't see them. I thought because he was popular, outspoken, and got along with just about everyone, he was naturally an extrovert like me. But, the real differences came to light every Friday night.

Read the full post here

6 Communication Skills You Need To Get Promoted

I contribute weekly to the Asmithblog.com. Here is a post that I am sure you'll enjoy.

Frank was a hard worker at this company. A new position opened up and Frank thought he'd be perfect for the job. He'd been with the company for 15 years. He constantly met and exceeding his job expectations. He'd won numerous performance awards. He was assertive and efficient. He thought he had a good shot at getting promoted.

He applied. He waited. Finally the announcement for the new manager was made and Frank's name was not called.

Frank was furious. He was certain his record was better than all the candidates. After work, with his supervisor who was also his friend, Frank decided to be bold and ask why didn't he get the job. His friend slumped his shoulders and said, "Honestly, Frank you do a great job. But your people skills suck! You would be horrible as a leader. You serve us best doing exactly what you are doing."

You can be really good at doing your job but that does not mean you will be promoted. When companies are looking for leaders they need people who are can rally people, lead people, and solve problems caused by people.

Read the full post here.

Why We Don't Give Compliments

I write weekly for Asmithblog. Here is a post I hope you'll find helpful.

Good communicators know the value of being generous with their compliments of others. The word compliment is a noun with four definitions, all of which indicate we need to be giving away more of them:

*An expression of praise, commendation, or admiration.

*A formal act or expression of civility, respect, or regard.

*A courteous greeting; good wishes; regards.

*A gift; present.



A few myths may be standing in our way.


Myth:  Recipients will get big heads.

Truth: Their egos are already inflated.

We fear that telling someone how good they are at something will somehow turn him or her into an egomaniac. In truth, if someone is an egomaniac, he or she probably got there without your help. Good communicators practice what is right regardless of the circumstances. In fact, withholding a well-deserved compliment is a sign of egomania. We need to change focus. Complimenting others reduces the risk that the giver will become self-centered. If someone is an egomaniac, does that negate the fact that he or she did something right or possesses other admirable skills and qualities?

Read the full post here

List Your Triumphs Before You List Your Resolutions

photo credit: seeveeaar via photopin cc

It is the end of the season, and resolution time will soon be upon us. As we look to the next year, we want to be successful.

But the one thing that irks me about resolution time?

We make resolution based on our past failures. We didn't do something we should have last year so we resolve to do better next year. We enter the new season full of guilt. Guilty, ashamed, or embarrassed about a failure.

Well no wonder most people fail in their resolutions! It is depressing.

I am going to challenge you with the same assignment I give clients, which I am also going to do myself.

What A Conversation About My Butt Taught Me About Communicating With Family

I blog a lot about the ways we can improve our communication at work, because frankly, most of my clients come to me for work related issues. But I am just as effective in family and friend related issue too. 

As we are spend more time with our family and friends this time of the year, I wanted to give you a little #holidayhelp on communicating with close family and friends. 

I learned a very important lesson through a conversation about my butt. Don't worry this post is G rated. 

You Are Good At What You Do: That's Your Problem!

You are good at what you do. That is your biggest problem!

If you are an entrepreneur, a contractor, or go to authority on your job, being good at what you do could be your biggest communication problem.

Of course I am not advocating being incompetent. We should all strive to be good at our jobs; to improve our craft, art, or business. But we have to be cautious of one thing in doing so.

Being Busy: Is It Really A Brag Disguised As A Complaint?

As a blogger on communication skills that build leadership and deepen our connections with people, I want to deepen my relationship with you my blog readers. 

Therefore, I am going to try something new on the blog. It is called #BRAVETalk. It is a comment challenge where I ask a question, present a point of view, or share an idea and you tell me your thoughts on it. There are no right or wrong answers. I just want to stir up an intellectual conversation with my community. 

What's in it for you? In a word, practice.

Our #BraveTalk conversations are a perfect way for you to use and practice several transferable communication skills.

1. Writing. If you have a job, you are asked to write. Being able to clearly deliver your opinions in a organized fashion is a key leadership and communication skill.

2. Listening. Yes, you can practice listening online. Others will comment with their opinions. This is a great, non threatening way to practice reflective listening and paraphrasing skills.

3. Feedback. Feedback is part of life. These conversations will help you practice giving and receiving feedback. I encourage you to comment on others point of views.

4. Respect for others. Others may not have the same opinion and if you have ever been caught up in or witnessed an online argument where participants call each other names, curse, or defame one another, it can be enough to just stay silent. But that will not happen here. These conversations will not only help expand your understanding of others but enable you to show respect while still remaining true to yourself.

5. Community. We all desire to be in deep community with like minded individuals. Well how can I know your mind if you don't ever share it. You'll see you are not alone in your struggle or success. This awareness is a way to foster community here.

All of these benefits will help you become a better communicator and isn't that why I am here?

The topics or ideas will be ones that challenge a conventional way of thinking somehow. I want us to be BRAVE enough to engage in discussions that are based in respect of all opinions and encourage us to think about our responses to the status quo.

I will be using the hashtag #BRAVETalk on Facebook and Twitter to brand our discussions so you can find them. 

What's Your Responsibility?

Simple. Participate. Share. It is only good practice if we have points to read. We can't give feedback on silence so comment. Encourage others too as well. Just give your opinion.

Now that you know what's in it for you and what responsibility you have, let's get started!

1st #BraveTalk question:

Tim Kreider wrote a NY Times Blog opinion piece a while back called "The Busy Trap". In it, Kreider asserts that being busy is a self-imposed condition that we use in American society to prove our own importance. It is cleverly disguised as a complaint but in actuality we really are bragging. The author points out that being busy is essentially damaging our relationships and our contributions to the world. Being booked every minute of every day isn't good for our bodies, brains, or relationships, he says.

Have you ever been too busy to have coffee with a friend? Or does it take months of scheduling to get together with another? Has that phone call gone weeks without being returned? 

My question in our #BRAVETalk today is:

Are we addicted to being busy? Do we value being busy because it somehow proves we are important? How does being busy help or hurt our communication with others?

Leave a comment with your thoughts. And ask invite your friends to join the conversation.

5 Lies People Tell During The Holidays!

I admit I am a romantic Christmas movie junkie. The corny-ier the better. In my effort to offer you #HolidayHelp, today I talk about a common theme in many holiday movies: lying. In fact there are five lies people tell during the holidays...and after the holidays are over. 

Even if I can predict, which I usually can, every turn and twist, I still love romantic Christmas movies. My husband usually racks up major brownie points between Thanksgiving and New Year’s watching at least one a week with me. 

As a romantic Christmas movie connoisseur, I have noticed they all have similar themes:  

• A single person makes a deal with another single person to pretend to be a couple during the holidays. 
• A couple or family on the verge of irreversible destruction pretends to be a picture perfect couple just for the holiday.
• Some character has a secret and keeping the secret has caused—or is causing—a rift in one or more relationships. 

It seems that people would rather lie than face the truth.

Are you one of them?

It makes for great television, but I can’t help but get emotionally drained as I watch these characters dig themselves in deeper holes as they try to cover their tracks. The plot always unravels as the characters forget the lies they told or try to live up to the lies and just can’t. 

5 Lies People Tell 

Five Fun Ways To Say Thanks!

Everyone appreciates a good, heart-felt thank you. But who says saying "thanks" has to be boring? In honor of Thanksgiving, and in my effort to offer you #HolidayHelp, here are a few fun ways you can say thank you to those in your life. Read all the #HolidayHelp posts here.

The Secret To Raising Good Listeners

*On a post I wrote about listening a few weeks ago, Lexie commented:

"Listening is not only important with our spouse and co-workers, but especially with our children. How can we teach our children to be better listeners?"

It was a great question and I started to answer in the comments. I wrote a post about how to help you kids become better communicators but never addressed listening specifically. 

After quickly reaching 500 words in the comments, I thought it might be a great follow up post. Thanks Lexie for the question and the topic idea.

The secret to raising good listeners:

How Assumptions Stole Christmas

Good communication doesn't require a lot of time but it does require you to be intentional. 

Continuing in my series called #HolidayHelp, I want to help prepare you for the communication issues that threaten to sabotage our holidays. 

The first post in the series examined the pressure 4 distinct phrases contributes to holiday blues. Read that post here.

Today's post is about the importance of avoiding assumptions by discussing expectations and dividing responsibilities with your spouse or significant other. 

How Brutally Honest Is An Excuse To Be More Brutal Than Honest

You have heard the term brutally honest, right? Sometimes, I think we want to be more brutal than we want to be honest.

I recently had a fight with my husband. It started when I asked if he would be home in time for me to teach a fitness class that started at 5:30p. He said he would be home in time. The class was 15 mins away in light traffic. Earlier in the day I sent him a text reminding him that I had my class at 5:30p. He said he’d be home in time. At 4:42 he texted me saying he was on his way home. I was thrilled! It takes him 20 mins to get home. I’d have time to leave by 5:10 to make it to my class. At 5:10 he still wasn't home. 

I call him. He stopped at the store to pick up dinner. Highly irritated I asked, "Couldn't you have….” Annoyed, he cut me off with a sharp, “No I couldn’t have.”