Ladies! Stop Apologizing So Much...It's Hurting You!

Do you apologize for things that aren't you fault?

Is "I'm sorry" a regular part of your conversation with others?

If someone bumps into you, do you say "I'm sorry"?

If the waiter brought you an incorrect food order, do you apologize for sending it back?

If you answers yes to these questions I want to help you. You're excessive apology is hurting you and your advancement.

How Wasting Time At Work Can Advance Your Career

photo credit: quinn.anya via photopin cc

Wasting time at work is a cardinal sin, especially to hard working people. But I recently came across an argument for why and how you should waste time in a specific way.

Dr. Lois P. Frankel is the author of Nice Girls Don't Get The Corner Office: 101 Unconscious Mistakes Women Make That Sabotage Their Careers. As a woman and a coach to women in leadership, I picked up the book to see what mistakes I or my female clients could be making.

Mistake #3 is working hard. I was surprised to see that on the list. The American dream is to start from nothing and, through hard work, work your way to something. We are taught that if you work hard, you will be rewarded. But Frankel suggests that is not true. Here is the example she gave.

Should Leaders Strive To Be Liked?

I was reading an article in the Denver Business Journal that talked about the 10 competencies of a good leader. While I was perusing the list, I saw the usual suspects like having vision, being inspiring, strategic, good communication skills. Then I saw a word I wasn't expecting on this list.

The author of that article included "Likeability" on the list of competencies. 

This got me thinking and is the subject of our #BraveTalk discussion for today.

Is likeability a sign of a good leader?

Leave your thoughts in the comments below. 
Use #BraveTalk on Twitter.

Background on the #BraveTalk discussion:

It is a comment challenge where I ask a question, present a point of view, or share an idea and you tell me your thoughts on it. There are no right or wrong answers. I just want to stir up an intellectual conversation with my community. By participating you practice key communication skills like giving feebdback, writing clearly and concisely, paraphrasing what others said, etc. Participate and share.

Now that you know what's in it for you and what responsibility you have, let's get started!

Are You Marching to Your Drum or Someone Else's?

Photo Credit: trini61 via Compfight cc 

One of my gifts is that I can easily identify when things are unbalanced. It is what makes a great coach. It is always what makes me a great leader...although it took me years to understand it. If you are tired of being carried away by the winds of popular culture and you are ready to get off the boat and start mapping your own course, this post will give you 3 ways to do that!

I am literally laughing at all the chatter around New Year's and setting goals. My social media friends are forecasting the social media trends for the upcoming year. My fitness friends are rolling out their fitness challenges. My business coach friends are rolling our their new products and services. My leadership coach friends are asking us to think about what changes we want to see in our teams this year. Everyone is posting their resolutions and their goals. It is both inspiring and...comical. Comical to me because I don't see the balanced perspective; so I am going to offer one.

Have you ever felt like everyone has got their "stuff" together and you are always playing catch up?

I feel that way sometimes. I think "it is New Year's day and you are having an online seminar?!?! Really?!" It is the 3rd of January and you are rolling out your new product. "

Here is what I say to those thoughts. GOOD FOR THEM! 

I honestly mean it. I am happy others are doing and planning what they need to do....but that has NOTHING to do with me. It is fun to get caught up in the excitement of the new year and if we are smart we can parlay that excitement and see some amazing results.

But a lot of us aren't acting smart. We aren't doing the work to make sure we succeed. The surest way to completely devalue and short circuit your success is to compare it to someone else's.

Stop comparing your start to someone else's middle or finish.

At the beginning of the year, I encouraged you to set your goals in a new way. Did you read that? Click here and here to read it again.

Here is why. If you don't take time to establish what is important to you, you will be jumping on the band wagon of every seemingly neat idea and never accomplish much. Take time to consider your strengths and weakness when you set a goal so that you aren't beating yourself up when it doesn't happen.

I was working with a client who wanted to be more neat. She decided she was going to put everything in its place right away. She wanted to be like her ultra organized friend. She tried and failed and eventually gave up all together. During one of our sessions, I asked her a simple question. "Do you know what neat looks like for you?" She pondered on that for a while.

It was very clear that she new what neat looked like for her friend and that became her standard. It was a standard that didn't fit, compliment, or empower her at all. So why was she doing it?

Why are you trying to fit into a mold that doesn't fit you?

You see my clients personality was the polar opposite of her friends and no matter how hard she tried she would NEVER be neat like her friend.

My client found empowerment when she became the best neat she could be. That wasn't an excuse to stay disorganized. Using her personality, her values, what is important to her, she found exactly what mattered to her and lived that way. She no longer defined herself and her abilities according to someone else's measuring stick.

Are you measuring yourself by someone else's measuring stick?

If so, you will always fall short. 

(Note: at this point, people usually object. Sometimes our goals are set for us. Our jobs or our family, set goals for us and we have to deliver. I get that. But can't you be yourself, use your strengths, AND still deliver? Yup. You just need to figure out how.)


Mapping your own course and marching to your own beat starts with honesty. Be honest with yourself. 

If you haven't been in the gym in a long time, why set your goal to go everyday? Who says we have to carry out all of our goals and resolutions by January 31st? Do you want staying power or a quick flash in the pan?

I suspect you want staying power. I do too. We all have to be BRAVE enough to find our beats and then start marching to it.

If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away. 

 ~Henry David Thoreau

Are you willing to step to the music that you hear? Leadership is about taking the time to hear the other beat, marching to it, and inviting others to join you.

3 Ways To Find Your Leadership Beat

Ask more questions. The act of asking questions makes our brains automatically look the answer. Ask the right kinds of questions and you set yourself on a course to discover the answers.

Listen to your instinct. Do you favor other's opinions over your own? As a coach, I value getting advice and counsel from others. There is an appropriate time to do that. But you have to be careful that you lose the ability to hear your own instinct.

Validate yourself. Instead of waiting for validation from others, get in the habit of validating yourself. Will you be wrong once and a while? Yup! But confidence isn't about being right. It is about being ok even if you are wrong. Women leaders especially have a hard time with this. Not all...but a lot. 

Don't you think its time to stop second guessing yourself? To stop being tossed by every new fad or wave that rises? Take a stand. Listen for and march to your own beat. The weirdest part is that someone else is waiting for you to do it.

When to Keep, Tweak, or Abandon Your Goal

I like watching the Biggest Loser. A couple seasons ago a player choose to leave the ranch. What a BRAVE act! 

Most people berated her because she “quit”. I think she had the courage to  say this isn’t for me. 

But when do you abandon a goal verses just tweaking or recommitting to it?

The F Word: Why You Should Embrace It

"I am staring it the face. The F Word. It is looking at me, daring me, even to respond to it. It wants to know what I am going to do. Will I cower just like in times past? I can see a smirk curl the sides of its mouth as it figures it has already won. Like a bully on the playground, it thinks it has me beat. "Any minute now", it thinks, "she is going to run away defeated."

It is a scene from those Western movies my grandmother loved to watch. 

I am facing my opponent, at high noon, in the dusty streets with sun blaring down on us both. We expect each other to reach for our guns and draw.Then I do something that completely wipes the smug little grin from its face.

I pick up my opponent and embrace it!"

The "f" word personified here is...

4 Phrases That Will RUIN Your Holiday

I am starting a series called #HolidayHelp. I want you to have a great holiday season but there are communication issues that might prevent you from doing that. Whether you celebrate Christmas, Winter Solstice, Hanukkah, Kwanza, or Muharram, it is coming. Awkward communication situations.

I won't pretend I know the ins and outs of all of the celebrations that go on during this time of year but I am fairly certain they all have one thing in common....PEOPLE. Human beings observe them and share their observance with other humans. This means communication issues are bound to arise. 

During this series, I will speak to the traditions I know. 

Today, I want to focus on the communication phrases that will ruin your holiday season. 

How Brutally Honest Is An Excuse To Be More Brutal Than Honest

You have heard the term brutally honest, right? Sometimes, I think we want to be more brutal than we want to be honest.

I recently had a fight with my husband. It started when I asked if he would be home in time for me to teach a fitness class that started at 5:30p. He said he would be home in time. The class was 15 mins away in light traffic. Earlier in the day I sent him a text reminding him that I had my class at 5:30p. He said he’d be home in time. At 4:42 he texted me saying he was on his way home. I was thrilled! It takes him 20 mins to get home. I’d have time to leave by 5:10 to make it to my class. At 5:10 he still wasn't home. 

I call him. He stopped at the store to pick up dinner. Highly irritated I asked, "Couldn't you have….” Annoyed, he cut me off with a sharp, “No I couldn’t have.”

Is Technology Killing Interpersonal Communication Skill?

I started reading Technopoly: The Surrender of Culture to Technology by Neil Postman, a professor and communication expert on identifying how technology changes how we communicate. Postman wrote most of his works in the late 80s and early 90s however as I am reading his views now, it as if he wrote the book yesterday.


Though Postman is accused of being a technophobe, one who fears technology, he really isn’t. He is the other voice to the technology enthusiasts. He points out one problem with technology is that while we herald it for the ways it will make our lives “better” we never stop to consider what problems it might cause. 

Communication Tips From Charlotte Bronte's Jane Eyre

Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte was the first book on my summer reading list. Somehow I had never read it before and I was curious. I found myself equally frustrated and fascinated, a desirable combination I must say, with Miss Eyre and her cast of characters. 

Along with the angst and longing, the story is filled with lessons. Two of my favorites quotes provide great tips about communication. 

Leaderships Lessons Learned in the Ladies' Room

Image courtesy of Keattikorn, freedigitalphotos.net

The line to the ladies room is infamously known for being long.  Most women have opened the door only to have the line meeting us there. So we wait. 

One time I entered a movie theater’s ladies room and had a different response. I entered to find a line of 5 women before me. They were chatting happily with each other and just waiting.

Instead of settling into my place at line, as usual, I had a thought. “There are close to 15 stalls in this room. Surely, they can’t all be occupied.” So I got out  of line, walked past the other ladies and went to see if indeed all the stalls where occupied. 

Respect: The Foundation To Good Communication

"Respect is a communication skill that bring the world together" 

~Leslie Dickson, CEO of ProVoice Inc, a leadership skills development company

Aretha Franklin asked for a little respect in her iconic 1967 hit song. It earned her 2 Grammys and eventually an induction into the Grammy hall of fame. Fast forward to present day and people are still asking for respect. 


The hallmark of a BRAVE Communicator is that respect is the foundation of all her or his communication activity.


First, you have to respect yourself, your reputation, and your growth enough to be as honest and guilt free as possible when you exchange ideas with others.

Second, you have to respect other people enough to learn how to listen, and  accommodate their communication needs.

What She REALLY Wants From You When She Is Overwhelmed

If you have ever heard your

wife...
girlfriend...
mom...
sister.... 
aunt.... 
grandmother...
female friend....
female cousin...

say she was overwhelmed, stressed, or tired, this is post is to help you understand what she really wants from you. Trust me, if you implement these tips you help relieve her burden and gain major brownie points in the process.

Disclaimer: My tips assume that your relationship with said female is a relatively close one. Your success at using these tips greatly diminish if you don't spend significant time interacting with said woman.

#Blog4Biz Day 15: Emoti-bombs going off over here

The Living BRAVE blog re-launches on Aug 1, 2013. During July, however, I accepted the #Blog4Biz daily business blogging challenge. The challenge is designed to help business owners focus on certain aspects of blogging that will expand their skill, boost creativity, and focus their message. Initially, I wasn't going to publicly share my posts, but as I started writing these posts, I saw the value in sharing...and some of this stuff is really good!  If you want to join the challenge, click here.

Today's challenged rubbed me the wrong way when initially saw the prompt. 

"Fill in the blank: I sell myself______"

Ex. ..short because I lack confidence.

....for pennies on the dollar because my prices are too low.

The list could go on. I get, at least I think I get, the point. It is a challenge on self worth and value. A provocative look at how business owners view themselves, their time, and their product or service.

I took issue with the word choice. My initial reaction was am emphatic. "I sell myself for no one. Period."

After calming down, I realize that my reaction to this prompt is the same reaction some of my coaching clients feel about my approach to communication skills. I strongly believe that we can and should adjust our communication styles to our audience. The first line of resistance usually comes in the form of 

"I am not changing for anybody. This is me. Like it or leave it".

This is a self defense response that has hit nerve. In my workshops, I refer to them as "Emoti-bombs" (pronounced like emoticon). These are internal emotional explosions that occur in all of us when a deeply held belief or fear is challenged.

For me, human traffikking is a social issue that I feel strongly about. The issue affects men, women, and children all over the world. It is a cancer on society that threatens my deeply held belief that people deserve respect simply because they exist, not for what they can or can not do for you. 

When I read the prompt challenge this morning, my emoti-bomb went off. I began thinking about selling people. Pimps and traffickers selling little girls and boys to the highest bidder. Yeah, I know too deep for a business prompt right?!?! But this is the nature of emoti-bombs. Once they go off you all of your thoughts filter through them and you can not get beyond your emotion. 

Everyone's explosion looks different. It may be outwardly expressed. If may not. The verdict in the George Zimmerman trial set off emoti-bombs all across this country. Depending on your stance on the topic, you may not be able to "hear" any other reasoning that goes against yours. Why? Not because you personally knew the Martin family or the Zimmerman family.

But because the trial brought you face to to face with beliefs you hold deeply. 

Be it racism in America, the validity of the justice system, or your fear that one day, your son, daughter, nephew, niece could be either killed or accused of killing. No matter what the trigger, our emoti-bomb literally cloud our judgement.

So how do we recover from our "emoti-bombs"? 

1. Acknowledge them. It is ok to admit you are upset, annoyed, livid, hurt...whatever the emotion is. This blog starts with me admitting I was offended by the word choice in the prompt today.
2. Identify them. Why are you upset? Try to put a finger on the issue that is really frightening you. For me I linked the word choices to human trafficking and the heartache it causes.
3. Seek higher ground. You can't see for the cloud. So seek to get a perspective that gets you high enough to get clarity. I had to think very hard about why I couldn't come with a 600 word answer to the prompt. I needed to step away and find perspective. I decided to use this as a showcase of one of my coaching techniques.
4. Remember your responsibility. You only have control over a few things in life. Take responsibility for your actions. For me the goal of this challenge is talk about the worth and value I have in my business. I could either not answer the prompt because I was offended or find a way to answer the prompt.

Having coached myself the way I would coach clients who have had an emotional explosion, I can see my task more clearly to answer the question. I know the organizers of this post weren't trying to offend. Offense is like a coat, you choose whether to put it on or take it off. I picked up the offense and I now I choose to put it down to answer the question.

As I am revamping my business I realized that I am selling myself short not because I am not confident in my services, but because I am too sensitive to the needs of my target audience. Small businesses with even smaller budgets can't afford the big names training programs or coaching services. But they still need and deserve them nonetheless. I want to help to help small business get a competitive advantage by having a culture that rivals their rivals. I also want to be well compensated for my work. Even though I know my price structure is fair, even a little below market value by industry standards, I still wonder if it is fair to small business owners. 

In this blog, I share my heart with you and show some of the why behind my business, in an attempt to build your trust. In posts like this, where I take the prompt and show you how everyday situations can cause interpersonal conflict and what you can do about, I hope you see the value in paying for my service. 

I try to make my business case as tangible as possible but in all honesty, people call me for clean up and damage control. Not for prevention. Of course, it doesn't matter to me when you call me. Just call me! 

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How I Discovered I Was A Leader: #Blog4Biz Day 3

#Blog4Biz: Day 3 “My Best day in Business was…”

May 22, 2012, the day I filed my business paperwork with the state is a day I will never forget. BRAVE Communication LLC is more than a vehicle for career pursuits. It is also a vehicle for my personal and spiritual growth.

I have always wanted to be an entrepreneur but growing up I didn't see any entrepreneurs like me. All of the entrepreneurs I knew fell into two camps:

A).     They were extremely driven, hard-nosed, in your face people who didn't care about who or what they had to step on or step over to get the next deal. They had blinders on. Making money was the only measure of success they recognized.

OR

B).    They were pretenders. They didn’t want anyone to tell them what to do so they go into business for themselves. They want to be the boss but don’t want to have any responsibility. They conduct themselves so unprofessionally that no one takes them seriously.

I didn't fall into either of those camps so I dismissed entrepreneurship altogether. 

As a kid, I was soft spoken and shy. The thought of having someone say NO to my face was enough to send me under the covers with my blanket. I didn't have tough skin. I never thought of myself as a leader. I never had a lemonade stand or paper route or showed any other signs of leadership or business affinity….not in the traditional sense of the word anyway.

It took over 20 years for me to see that I am and always have been a leader, coach, teacher, and mentor. When I was BRAVE enough to see myself for who I am and not in comparison to others, then I was able to accept these truths and see the patterns.

I needed to do that internal work before I could step out on my own. The way I operate my business is really simple. I do what I know to do today. I am very good at helping people have truer, richer, and more engaged relationships at work and at home. I communicate how I do that to potential clients. If they agree, we move forward. If not, I wish them well and, if I can, point them to other resources that might be a better fit. 

I don’t compare myself to other leadership, training, coaching or blogging gurus. There are enough clients out there for all of us. I have to stick to being me. And I have to be BRAVE enough to believe that people will appreciate my fresh, fun, respectful and heart warming approach to communication skill building.

I am not just challenging the world to be BRAVE enough to improve their communication skills. The best day of my business  was when I was BRAVE enough to legally file the paperwork and tell the world “I am open for business”.

The Living BRAVE blog” does not officially relaunch until Aug 1, 2013. However during the month of July, I accepted the #Blog4Biz daily business blogging challenge. The challenge is designed to help business owners focus on certain aspects of blogging that will expand their skill, boost creativity, and focus their message. Initially, I wasn't going to publicly share my posts, but as I started writing these posts, I realized that some of these posts might help you get to know me better before the “official” content appears August 1. If you want to join the challenge, click here
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